The Vicious Cycle: How Chronic Anxiety Can Impact Intimate Relationships

We are six months into raising our son, and time will not slow down. As a natural planner and thinker, when he turned six months old, I turned to my husband and said, “We are one thirty-sixth through with the time we have to raise him.” Though it is my hope that our son will continue to engage in a relationship with us after he turns eighteen, I have always been of the philosophy that for the first eighteen years, we set the tone for the relationship, and after that, he will set the tone for the relationship. It is my hope that we do a “good enough” job that he chooses to continue to engage with us for his whole life. Can you sense my anxiety?

Navigating the Anxious Journey of Motherhood

As I sit to reflect upon the blessing it is to be his mom, I am also reminded of what an isolating task it is to be a new mother in 21st-century America. The amount of anxiety that has overwhelmed my thinking was something I was completely unprepared for. I have never before described myself as an anxious person. There have been times in the past when I have gotten stuck on something for a few hours at a time, but generally, anxiety has not played a big role in my life. As a new mom, though, the opposite is now true. Throughout the first six months, my mind was full of these questions and more: Is he meeting developmental milestones? Is he eating enough? (As an aside, how you are supposed to know how many ounces your baby is getting from breastfeeding? Why is that even a question on the intake forms, doctor?) Is he getting enough tummy time? Is he safe in his crib? How do I prevent SIDS? When will he be able to walk? Is he happy? What kind of a kid will he be? What interests will he have? And the list goes on. 

While it may be a common experience for new moms to be worried about their babies, and have questions similar to the ones above, the toll can be great both to personal satisfaction in motherhood and on intimate partner relationships. Working through a period of chronic anxiety can be very difficult, but as someone who is out of the “vicious cycle,” I can strongly affirm that the work it took to get out of it was worth the gains.

Understanding the Roots of Newfound Anxiety

Maybe you are like me, in that you are experiencing a season of out-of-character high levels of anxiety. For me, it was helpful to put my feelings in context, to understand why I was suddenly feeling so differently than I ever had before. When doing so, I felt a lot less “crazy”. As I reflected, I realized that this season of anxiety had been going on for longer than I had originally realized. Two years, two miscarriages, a uterine fibroid removal surgery, and an excruciatingly anxious pregnancy is the framework from which I operated when my baby was born. So many things had gone wrong previously, that my baby was finally born, I was so used to experiencing grief and loss that I almost expected something bad to happen. I had just started working through my feelings of grief surrounding my miscarriages in therapy when I learned I was pregnant for the third time—the pregnancy that brought my son into the world. Though I am a therapist and I knew I had not fully healed from the pain of the loss, it seemed unnatural to grieve at a time I was so hopeful and excited about the future. When we ignore our feelings—even if we have good reasons for doing so—they usually come out sideways. I believe my unresolved grief was a significant factor in my prenatal and postpartum anxiety. Maybe putting your feelings of anxiety in context by determining the factors contributing to where you are at now would be helpful as a first step towards self-compassion and self-understanding. 

The Impact of Anxiety on Relationships

After developing the much-needed empathy for myself by looking at my context, I was able to better assess the impact my anxiety was having on other aspects of my life. And one glaring category stood out: my marriage. Anxiety comes out in different ways for different people; for some, it comes out in constantly seeking external validation; for others in racing thoughts and body tension. For me, anxiety comes out as anger directed squarely at my husband in the form of a condescending tone and viewing him as the enemy rather than my partner. Once I gained awareness surrounding how my anxiety was presenting, I began to work towards accountability for the ways I was negatively impacting our intimate marriage partnership.

Seeking Healing From Anxiety and Accountability

For us, this meant talking through some of the bigger hurts in the safe context of marriage counseling, where each of us felt safe to explore our feelings in a vulnerable and connecting way. For me, this meant taking ownership for using my anger as a maladaptive coping skill to make me feel in control and powerful in a season in which I felt very out of control and powerless. Notice feeling angry is not the problem; it was using anger to mask my anxiety in damaging ways that was the problem. My husband worked to understand my context and the depth of my anxiety, which helped give him the awareness to empathize with my struggle more than to harshly judge it. 

Building a Supportive Community

I also took some active steps to lean into the community to help manage my feelings of anxiety. I was intentional about spending time with other moms with whom I felt a special sort of like-mindedness, in an effort to work towards showing up with greater vulnerability not only in my marriage but also in friendships. I wanted to surround myself with people with whom I could just be myself, without the pressure of being perfect. Instagram, X (formerly Twitter), and TikTok make it seem like there really are some moms out there who are doing it perfectly and have it all together. I needed to know people in my community are real and could struggle, like me. I found an online support group for new moms, and while it wasn’t the exact fit I was looking for, it was helpful to know that I was not the only person in Texas, the United States, or even the continent who felt anxious while caring for a newborn (shoutout to support groups crossing country lines!). 

Embracing Emotional Intimacy for Healing From Anxiety

Ultimately, the greatest healing and peace on my journey through this anxious season came from the greater emotional intimacy and authenticity in my marriage. Now that we are past this phase, it is easy to see the value in joining: in coming together, even if neither of us has the answer, and saying, “I am not okay. I just want to be close to you.” The power of co-regulation in combating disconnection, loneliness, and anxiety was exactly the path to healing for me.

Take the First Step TOWARD Healing with Anxiety THerapy in North Richland Hills, TX.

If you find yourself navigating a season of heightened anxiety, whether as a new mother or in any other context, taking the first step toward healing is essential. At Luxx Therapy, we encourage you to reach out for support, whether through therapy, counseling, or simply connecting with someone who understands. Your journey toward managing anxiety and finding peace is a valuable one, and we are here to walk alongside you, offering understanding and support every step of the way.

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OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AVAILABLE AT LUXX THERAPY

In addition to Therapy for Anxiety, we offer a wide range of services at Luxx Therapy geared towards meeting you where you are in your mental health journey including Trauma Therapy and Couples Therapy. We will walk the path to understanding and healing with you whether you are in need of Individual Counseling, Couples Counseling, or Family Therapy! Reach out to us today.