Loving someone with a substance use disorder: A Family Systems Perspective
“Addiction is a family disease. One person may use, but the whole family suffers.” -Unknown
Substance Use Disorders Impact the Entire Family
Addiction is a pattern that has been running its course in my family for generations, but when addiction is called a family disease, it is not necessarily talking about the effects of genetics or generational cycles (although addiction can be very prevalent in transgenerational cycles). When addiction is referred to as a “family disease,” it means that it impacts the entire family unit and the people who love the addicted person, not just the person with the addiction. It can impact family members through feelings of trauma, anxiety, and depression. It can also have a significant impact on romantic relationships.
Substance Use Disorders Frequently Start As Coping Mechanisms
We don’t choose to experience this feeling, just like we do not choose who we truly love. Our loved ones also don’t choose to get addicted. As much as that is a societal belief about addictions, one doesn’t pick up a bottle for the time with the intention or desire to get addicted to alcohol. Most of the time, frequent substance use begins as a coping mechanism with the intent to relieve stress, anxiety, trauma depression, and much more. We can understand this when we notice we are using food, shopping, sex, gambling, the internet, or video gaming in an effort to avoid something—these are all different versions of escapism.
My Personal Journey
The first time my loved one was admitted into a residential rehabilitation program, I remember feeling so relieved. I was relieved he was safe. For the first time in a while, I could go to sleep knowing he was in a safe environment and was being watched closely by professionals who could help manage his symptoms. I could go to sleep knowing that if he was sick to the point he felt on the brink of death, nurses and doctors were there to help alleviate some of the physical pain.
Addiction Flows Through the Family System Like a Toxin in the Bloodstream.
The family system begins losing energy from lack of sleep, excessive worry, or/pervasive feelings of dread and depression, making one feel ill. Anxiety and panic creep in as the uncertainty of what the next day holds lingers in the air. Are they home safe? Did they get in an accident? Will there be more trauma on top of trauma to process? Will they have another seizure? Will their heart stop? Will they hate me for trying to get them help? Do they feel like I am abandoning them here? Is their brain, heart, kidneys, and liver okay? Did they make it through the night? And so on…
If you relate to this, I imagine you know the helpless, lonely, and depressing feeling.
One of my other loved ones told me, “I hope he doesn’t feel like we abandoned him, I’m worried he won’t forgive us,” after my addicted loved one was dropped off at rehab.
It might feel helpless because you don’t know how to help them, or it might feel helpless because you fear you will never feel peace until they are sober, or both.
Lessons No One Wants To Learn
When loving someone with an addiction, there are lessons I have had to learn in order to be able to cope with life on a daily basis. Regardless of where you are on the journey, I hope you find these helpful.
Your addicted loved one might come across as angry at your efforts to help, saying that they hate you, or that you are not being helpful, but it is difficult for ones under the influence to think with their rational brain. It is helpful to believe that it is not actually them talking, but rather your loved one + the angry monster of addiction. Addiction makes them believe their substance is their only true friend, and that belief has taken over everything. This causes people to be emotionally reactive, and not have the ability to understand what their loved one is trying to do for them. When your loved one is able to get out of the headspace of addiction, they may be able to see your genuine love for them and know your actions were out of care.
We can desperately plead, beg, love, and help as much as we want, but it is up to them to acknowledge the addiction and choose to accept help and resources. It is their choice, and they must be ready to fully commit because recovery is not easy. It is not on us to “fix” or want recovery for them, and it does not represent any failure of our efforts if they are not ready for the journey of recovery.
Learning to Cope With a Loved One With a Substance Abuse Disorder
I acknowledge the difficulties with these thoughts and genuinely empathize with anyone who is struggling with this battle. I also want to suggest that “letting go” of the pleading and begging someone to change is not the same as letting go of the person altogether or giving up. We can love our person who is addicted, and still be present in their life, if we’re able to support them in a way that does not exhaust our own mental health.
Support is Available to You and Your Family
If this sounds like something you are experiencing and could benefit from some extra support, reach out to me for Individual Therapy. I can walk with you on your journey and you will know that you are not alone in this experience. Loving someone with a Substance Use Disorder impacts the whole family, and can be traumatic for individual family members in different ways. While every family’s experience with an addiction looks a little different, there is a similarity to the pain and suffering experienced, and as a trained therapist, I know how to help.
Other tips: What to do for your loved one with an addiction:
Be patient
Sympathize with their difficulties facing addiction
Supportive encouragement to see professional help
Become educated on addiction and their substance of choice
Let them know they are worthy and deserving of recovery
Other tips: What not to do for your loved one with an addiction:
Guilt-tripping them
Enabling the addiction
Ignoring the addiction
Bargain with them to “stop”
Implying they are “crazy”
If You Have a Family Member Struggling with a Substance Use Disorder, Individual Therapy in North Richland Hills, TX Can Be a Great Support!
At Luxx Therapy in North Richland Hills, TX, we understand the profound and often overlooked truth that addiction is not just an individual struggle—it's a family affair. When one person is caught in the grip of addiction, the entire family unit bears the weight of this challenge. It's not merely about genetics or generational cycles; addiction infiltrates the family system, affecting each member deeply and uniquely. If your family is navigating the turbulent waters of addiction, remember, you are not alone. At Luxx Therapy, we offer compassionate, expert support tailored to each family's unique needs. We believe in treating not just the individual with the addiction but also providing vital support and healing for the entire family. Reach out to us today, and let us walk this journey with you. Together, we can face the challenges of addiction, fostering a path towards healing and recovery for every family member.
OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AVAILABLE AT LUXX THERAPY
At Luxx Therapy, we offer a wide range of services geared towards meeting you where you are in your mental health journey including Depression Therapy, Anxiety Therapy, Trauma Therapy and Couples Therapy. We will walk the path to understanding and healing with you whether you are in need of Individual Counseling, Couples Counseling, or Family Therapy! Reach out to us today.
Resources:
Al-Anon is a support group for family members of those who are addicted to alcohol. There are teen and virtual options. https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
Nar-Anon is a support group for family members of those who are addicted to narcotics. There are also virtual options. https://www.nar-anon.org/find-a-meeting
Check and see if your insurance is covered and all of AAC’s treatment centers here: https://americanaddictioncenters.org/
Love in the Trenches offers resources and support groups for parents and siblings of those with an addiction and those who are grieving losing their loved ones to addiction: https://www.loveinthetrenches.org/
References:
American Addiction Center. (2023). Addiction as a coping mechanism and healthy alternatives. Sobriety Guide. https://americanaddictioncenters.org/sobriety-guide/coping-mechanism.