Why Couples Therapy is for You
WHY COUPLES THERAPY IS FOR YOU
Love is patient, love is kind…we’ve all heard this. But let’s be honest, love is COMPLEX! From as early as I can recall, I have loved romantic love stories with fairy tale endings. I will watch Hallmark movies for hours despite the predictable nature of the two main characters ending up happy and perfectly in love. If you think back on all the Disney movies you watched as a child, you might conclude that we are socialized from early on to believe this is what love “should” look like. It should be effortless and easy. All one needs is to find that perfect other person and anything short of that ideal must mean it isn’t true love. But the reality version of love in a committed relationship can be complicated and messy.
LOVE IS AN ACTION, A CHOICE TO BE MADE
I often hear love described as a deep emotion or feeling which is true, but love is also an action, a choice. Contrary to whatever we may have been conditioned to believe about love, it requires conscious effort and maintenance to thrive. Unfortunately, this misguided belief wherever it may come from is one of the reasons couples ignore the warning signs as their relationship unravels to the point of disrepair. Couples wait until they’re facing bigger relational problems that have been a slow burn resulting in separation and discussion of divorce oftentimes before they ever step foot into a therapist’s office.
WHY DO SO MANY COUPLES AVOID SEEKING HELP THROUGH COUPLES THERAPY?
So, why do so many couples avoid seeking help until the eleventh hour? There are a number of underlying reasons ranging from deviating from societal norms to fear of vulnerability and being judged. My hope is that I can provide some level of insight into a few of the most common barriers surrounding couples counseling by clarifying the “how to” part of improving the most valuable relationship we all want.
#1. STIGMATIZATION AND FEAR OF VULNERABILITY
Perhaps because I have been immersed in a mental health setting for the past twenty-three years, I am naïve about the degree to which seeing a therapist is stigmatized, but it does seem to continue to play out in the therapy room. Oftentimes, one or both partners are entering therapy for the very first time. Some of the more common concerns are whether counseling will be effective for their problems. Then there are those who are not entering couple therapy for the first time. This is their second marriage and despite their attempt to seek help to resolve issues, the result was dissolution leaving the client believing therapy doesn’t work. Others believe the marital relationship is private, not to be shared with a stranger, and seeking help is somehow a reflection of their inability to solve their own problems or is perceived as a failure. As I tell clients, their willingness to seek treatment despite their concerns is a courageous, demonstrative way to act out love and commitment to their spouse or partner.
OPENING PANDORA’S BOX
Couples may be reluctant to go to therapy because the thought of opening up what seems like Pandora’s box feels daunting and downright scary. I get it. Disclosing the most intimate details of your most important relationship with an individual you found on Psychology Today or a Google search isn’t exactly a comforting thought. What I frequently hear from one or both partners is a fear of being “called out” or labeled as “the problem.” So, allow me to help put your mind at ease. A. If your therapist has been practicing for any time at all, there isn’t anything you will share that they haven’t heard before. While it may be uncomfortable for you, your therapist is not judging you or labeling you. Your therapist’s job is to actively listen to you, try to understand your perspective in a way that helps you feel heard, and observe the dynamic between you and your partner in order to help both members of the couple identify patterns of relating that are not helpful or keep the couple stuck. Lastly, once you find a therapist you feel is a good fit for both you and your significant other you will likely feel more at ease about sharing personal information. If you’re not feeling safe, keep searching. Ironically, I tell my clients that finding a good fit is a little like dating. You don’t marry every person you date, right? So, it only stands to reason that while a therapist may be competent and professional a therapist may just not be right for you.
#2. IT’S TOO EXPENSIVE
I recently read a statistic from a popular wedding magazine stating in 2023 the average cost of a wedding is thirty thousand dollars. This statistic did not account for the expense of the pre-wedding celebration, engagement ring or honeymoon. So, as a culture are we saying we are more willing to invest in getting married than staying married? It’s interesting to me. In my mind, it’s like purchasing an expensive appliance without a warranty. Albeit, I cannot promise therapy will provide a guarantee, but at the very least it is a preventative plan to provide some measure of protection for the relationship you have built with your partner. Yes, there is an additional expense incurred, but how much do you value your relationship? I’ll take it a step further, although an additional expense is incurred it’s certainly more cost-effective than the cumulative price of the emotional damage, legal fees, and hardship associated with divorce. Relational guidance in a season of life where you and your spouse are navigating uncharted territory is a worthwhile investment.
#3. LACK OF UNDERSTANDING
Another common reason couples seem to delay or avoid seeking help is due to a lack of understanding about the benefits of couples’ work. A majority of couples hold the belief that couples counseling is reserved for marriages in crisis or failing. Realistically, therapy can be beneficial at any stage of your relationship. Interestingly, many couples are required to participate in pre-marital counseling before their officiant will marry them. Keep in mind, this is when we’re all still completely infatuated and googly-eyed over the person we’re about to marry. It’s a blissful time when we likely haven’t encountered the day-to-day challenges of finances, household chores, managing work, and home life, along with other the other stressors of life. Couples therapy creates a safe environment for personal growth and reflection, learning skills to communicate more effectively with your significant other, and overall strengthening the foundation of your relationship. Consider this: we see our primary care physician, dentist, gynecologist, and other healthcare providers routinely to check in and maintain our health. Perhaps, being immersed in the mental health field over the past twenty-plus years gives me a skewed perspective, but I really do view mental health similarly. We want to be proactive so that when the storms of life come we are better prepared to handle them. Lastly, couples who report attending therapy routinely do report increased satisfaction and fulfillment in their relationships.
ARE YOU READY TO START COUPLES THERAPY IN NORTH RICHLAND HILLS, TX? REACH OUT TODAY!
As with any type of counseling, there are potential risks involved and couples counseling is no exception. After all, we attend counseling to confront issues which typically include thoughts, beliefs, patterns of relating, painful emotions, or aspects of ourselves that we dislike. However, the therapy room provides a safe space to have difficult, uncomfortable conversations that may have been avoided or circular in nature for years. Therapy also provides individuals with the ability to feel heard and understood. In my experience, at Luxx Therapy, an objective third party who is not emotionally tethered to the relationship is able to verbalize a feeling or emotion in a way that lands differently for one or both parties. Both individuals must feel safe and see the therapist as a good fit. If not, I would encourage you to keep looking for a professional who you and your partner are comfortable being open with. Reach out to see if one of our couples therapists is the right fit for you.
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OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AVAILABLE AT LUXX THERAPY
In addition to Couples Therapy, we offer a wide range of services at Luxx Therapy geared towards meeting you where you are in your mental health journey. We will walk the path to understanding and healing with you whether you are in need of Individual Counseling, Trauma Therapy, or Family Therapy! Reach out to us today.