Elusive Joy
There is a fascinating phenomenon I have seen in others, and observed in myself: the tendency to protect ourselves from future losses by not fully enjoying the present. I don’t know if you have ever caught yourself doing this…something exciting is happening in your life, but instead of allowing yourself to relish in its beauty, for even a second, you have walled off your mind from letting it sink it, with the ominous cloud of “what if I lost it” lingering above you. In reality, we know that if we were to actually lose whatever it is, whether we allowed yourselves to enjoy it or not, the pain would be just as real and painful, yet we do it anyways. I am going to call this phenomenon Elusive Joy.
Why do we Elude Joy?
I think there are many different reasons we do this, and naturally, they vary across individual differences. Here are some that may apply to you:
1. Self-blame. When good things happen in our lives, we rarely give ourselves credit for our accomplishments. I am not saying that we should discount the role of the divine, luck, circumstance, privilege, or any of the other millions of factors that could influence outcomes. But one factor that cannot be ignored is YOU. You work hard every day to make the things in your life come to fruition. You are the one taking risks, engaging in self-discipline, and getting yourself out of bed every day to chase your dreams. But do you ever give yourself credit for your accomplishments? Or are you like countless of people, who takes full responsibility when things go wrong, and no responsibility when things go right. Maybe you are not letting yourself enjoy the present because you will blame yourself—even if it isn’t your fault—if you experience a loss.
2. Unresolved grief. I believe one of the greatest barriers to enjoying the present, when things seem to be going well, is the well of unresolved grief. Were this good thing to sour and become a loss, adding another bucket to the well of grief may be more than you think you can handle. To prepare for future grief, the best thing to do is resolve previous grief. How do you do this? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer for grief. It is heavy business, and can creep into many different aspects of your life. My best advice is to work at a slow pace, exploring your pain and working to make meaning out it. Professional counselors can walk this journey with you, and help you empty the well, at your own pace. This could take a long time, but the burden can become lighter.
3. Lack of control. Sometimes really bad things happen in our lives that are extremely difficult to understand. I believe that the lack of control about many things in our lives can make us feel like we don’t deserve to celebrate when things go right. You might find yourself in a thought process of, “I didn’t deserve this/cause this, so I shouldn’t be happy.” This mentality may keep you from experiencing the joy that may otherwise be within your reach! To overcome your struggle with lack of control, it may be helpful to explore the importance of control in your life. Does it make you feel safe and secure? What would happen if you lost control? I wonder if there are more sustainable concepts, ideas or belief systems that could remain unmovable, which could offer a deeper level of safety and security.
I hope that 2022 offers you many opportunities in which joy is within your reach. If joy continues to elude you, may you find peace in knowing you aren’t alone. Please reach out if you are ready for one of our professional counselors to help you walk through the process of reclaiming joy.
